you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
