I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
