I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
