I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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