Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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