Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
