this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
