Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
