You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
