then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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