I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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