I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
