Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
