I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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