Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My feet surprised me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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