So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
