we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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