first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
