I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
