I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
