Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
