and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Your tits are I can't wait for
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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