Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
