There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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