drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
