I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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