Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
