I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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