Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
