They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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