i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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