woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
