so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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