o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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