so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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