You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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