Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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