Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
