everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
