this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
