go do what you do best...puke behind churches
from now on my penis is your penis
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
