I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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