I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
