Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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