Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
