Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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