you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I use my feet as sexual weapons
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
