the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
