I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
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You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Come on in and take your pants off
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