For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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