But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
