so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
