low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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