he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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