Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
