I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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