it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
