I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
