When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I forgot how hot balto sounded
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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