I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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